Losing weight and bipolar disorder

So I have recently started picking up my pen and journal to journal my life away. I have been struggling to lose MORE weight and I had this interesting discussion with my coach. She told me to reevaluate my goals and what I see myself doing in three years and even 5 years. This isn't an awful thing to think about but something had dawned on me that I kind of knew was there but again did not want to really make it a thing.

Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 19 was a massive undertaking. There were many things that were leading up to the diagnosis but the official marking or branding of it just ruined my total hopes and dreams. Everything that I had wanted to do went straight out the window. When life shits on you in a mental way, it has permeant damage and were not talking about physicality, I am only speaking on how it ruined everything I thought I could and wanted to do.

When you are in the throws of figuring yourself out as a young adult life is challenging but that is the time to try new things career wise dating etc. You can have so many dreams and try them all out in this short period of time until you realize what you can and can not do. I never really got this opportunity. I was so focused on just trying to keep myself motivated to finish school and not die by my own hands. The constant ups and downs of emotional rollercoasters is just fucking awful, to put it bluntly, and factor in someone kind of stranger to you (the doctor) telling you that everything you thought is just not a reasonable and normal way of thinking. This amount of worthlessness an individual can feel is insurmountable. It hurts and even when you know its an inaccurate representation of what is really going on, you still think it to be true. No matter what the distractions you have are, no matter who tells you that they are going to be ok and count your blessings, you still feel like life isn't worth living.

Another factor to my illness is knowing that a family member of mine suffered from the same things. It makes you feel broken inside in the moment with your own issues but even more now after the fact because you know the level of degree of suffering that special person in my life went through. It fucking hurts my friends. It hurts my feelings, I feel so sad about everything that happened to this person because I now know how it feels to be both an adolescent outsider and a teenaged patient.

When you factor in all these components, you really grow up rather quickly. You now know that you have limitations on what you can and cannot do, due in part because certain events and even sleeping patterns can cause a relapse in either extreme. You know that the will to survive can be so challenging. You don't ever feel good enough or trust others and let them know your inner workings because they just do not get it. How do you expect others to understand your illness. It not really cookie cutter like your body is just shitting on you. There are a wide variety of different minor things that could contribute to a swing. With all these things hanging around my head you really do not know what you want for your future. Everything kind of just stopped. What was the point in dreaming and aspiring to do things I wanted to do if I really did not think I would last this long and that I would be alive at 30 years old.

It is really hard. I never feel content or excitied about the things going on around me. I am unhappy when I am home alone but also do not want to be bothered. I cannot find the enjoyment in the things I used to. Medcines have stressed me out. Filling medicine can be a chore and it is but it is even worse when you are on vacation and need enough controlled substances for the trip.

Everything in my life just became and now has become so much more challenging. I wish I had more trivial problems. Mood disorders absolutly blow and I would not wish this upon anybody. I hope there is a cure or better treatment. I really don't know what I want with my life. I am just confused and taking day by day trying to control the things I can.

Sometimes, I really wish I could get an actual quick glimpse of what my life would be like down the road. This would make things promising and knowing that some parts of my life are going to pan out in a special way.

Here is to another day walking in the trenches, not in the middle of a battle or war, but to see the history of whats going on and how to move forward.

xoxo