Roller Coaster of emotions

What a difference a day makes or a couple. The last couple days have been on the rougher side of things. I have not been through this much up and downs in this illness for a very long time now. It is challenging. It is challenging because you know what caused it but now you regret ever trying to see a change let alone actually making that decision.

I new going into a lithium taper that I was just going to get royally fucked. I cried at the mere thought of it because going through the highest of high and lowest of lows in a rapid cycle is devastating and demeaning. It is true what they say. You really do not know what someone is going through until you go through it yourself.

Through this taper, it is evident how much it has effected me and the people around me. People around me think that I am being a victim and that I am angry and bitter when it is not fully 100% of the case. The only person in this world that I am close to who has similar illness is my mom. Even though she goes through the ups and downs similarly, she had a hard time recognizing that I was struggling and she took it personal. All the things I had told her were all valid, but the degree and the animation in how I presented my thoughts were actually just extreme and not who I am as a "normal" person. It's tough. You do say many things that you regret and just really hope that the person you hurt would understand that somethings fucking up inside your brain.

Through this emotional swing I have had since I got back from vacation, I recognized why I did not enjoy myself on vacation and how everything felt like a chore and obligation. I was getting snippy with people around me, the constant noise was over stimulating, and the stress of traveling just wore me down to fucking ground. Even from before vacation, I was feeling emotional and "lonely". I was in a constant mind frame of not wanting to be alone but also not wanting to be around people. It is, and in this particular instance, very hard to navigate what is normal and what is not. Yea, loneliness probably factored into it but it wasn't the cause. Everyone gets lonely but it is hard to differentiate what would be considered normal and when you need to talk to your doctor.

I know that this post is a lot of rambling. But if this helps someone out there feel less alone then I have accomplished something.

Know that life is truly one foot in front of another.

Recognizing that your chronically ill is so challenging and bitter pill to swallow (literally and figuratively).

xoxo