Some background …..

I have been fat for 99.9% of my entire life. I am 29 years old and I have struggled and currently with weight, my appearance, thyroiditis and mental illness. My 29 years of life have been a constant fight between contentment and sadness. It is really hard to balance these things when you are an extremely sensitive and former (but still kind of there) perfectionist.

The one thing I can honestly say that I have battled my entire life is with my weight and physical appearance. I have tried every diet plan since a high school and have considered doing gastrointestinal surgery. Contributing to the weight issue is not handling my emotions and bad news appropriately. When you have a mental illness you are battling everyday just to survive. You do not care about anything or anyone.. all you really want to do is die or undervalue your self worth. I would say that this was a blessing and a curse for me. It took me a long time to understand that medicine, when taken right, can benefit me tremendously. Many elude, myself included, that this disease is a life sentence and there will be nothing for me down the road when I am struggling and have no other options left. Eventually i understood that in order to progress with my life, I have to start taking better care of myself. There is no trust factor with the people that care about you the most if you cannot take care of yourself in the way that they know would work.

Contributing to the awful cycle of emotional eating, my youth was wasted during COVID. I spent three years destroying my body with severe anxiety about my wellbeing and those around me. I was also destroying my life and well being by coping my anxiety with doordashing upwards to 3-4 times a day and all of that would be junk food from different restaurants and a shit tone of sweets. During covid, my A1C levels were extremely close to being diagnosed with diabetes. This was a waking point for me to a point. I was able to lower it by a little bit. It would become less but it was always trending higher on the recommended scaling dose. Believe it or not, that was still not rock bottom for me. Keep in mind, once you become so big like i did, you just know your value to get married, be in a relationship and for people to take you serious is not there. So we have a mental illness and severe obesity, an absolutely devastating combination.

My primary care doctor is an angel on earth. He is by the book and really can understand where I am coming from. Back when I transitioned out of the pediatrician, he really only got to know me as the sobbing mess that my bipolar disorder had made me out to be. I will never forget at my lowest point when I had gone to the doctor for my annual physical. I never felt so out of body and didn’t know what I was going to do with myself that day. He guided me to go see my psychiatrist and that what I was feeling needed to be addressed. This is not the reason why he’s mentioned in this discussion about weight. He is mentioned because he is a great and understanding doctor. He had recommended me to go on wegovy and at the time was very hard to get the in between doses from the lowest point to the highest dose in prescription. He was able to give me the samples the pharma rep gave to me to bridge the gap. This was incredible and he had saved me so much time and money running around to find this med. I really respect him and appreciate what he has done for not just me but also my family (we all go to the same PCP).

Wegovy is just a tool in weight loss and at the time and currently, this medicine was only covered by insurance if you had a certain BMI or another comorbidity. I only had one issue and the only way that insurance was going to cover it was by getting another disease in the process. I am extremely lucky that I am able to afford this on my own. Like always, this medicine only works with a combination of dietary changes. If you dont change your diet, the medicine will not work they way its intended. Like I mentioned earlier, this is only a tool. If you dont have all the tools in your work belt for the job, it is never going to get done.

By the grace of god and my father’s spectacular networking and personable skills, someone had given me a second chance by referring me to their nutritionist that “saved this persons life”. At this point I felt that there was no hope for me and that i would just have to accept the fact that I am going to be getting severe and irreversible illnesses relating to my eating habits. I knew the path was not the right one and i just felt so out of control. I couldn’t control one of the things that I should be able to. There are some things you cannot change and that is out of my control but this was one that i should be able to. I was giving up on myself and I knew it. This was my last shot and I have to do this for myself and my support system. I could not let them down with this last shot. This woman is also another angel in my earth. She is a very smart and well read nutirionist. We weigh in everyday, meaning i get to weigh myself and send it over to her. Also, we talk once a week, kind of like a therapy ish session. Keep in mind that I pay her for her services. She is direct and compassionate. She is an encouraging individual and can relate her experiences in life to some of the stuff going on in mine. This individual has worked at some of the best institutions treating very high profile individuals. I honestly thank god for the guy who sent me her information and also for this nutritionist. She has effectively brought me back to life. She made me recognize that the loosing weight is attainable. She has educated me the faults of the dietary issues we face as a society. MOST IMPORTANTLY, she holds me accountable. Without the monitoring and accountability aspect, I wouldn’t be where I am at at the present moment. There is also something about a stranger kicking your ass. It’s upsetting but you also remember that you need that kick in your ass.

In this blog you will see what it is like to go through navigating weight loss and mental illness. I hope by sharing my story that someone can relate and take something positive from this experience.

Please also note that I am aware of my illnesses and when I come on here to vent about them, it is because I recognize that I am struggling and trying to let it out in a therapeutic way before my toxic mouth gets out of line. These are in no means a cry for help. Just wanted to let that out there in case someone if anyone reads this.

Xoxo