The bomb officially dropped

Hi friends,

Yesterday I was writing about my constant issues with my mental disorder and me dropping wight being so much more challenging. Well, now I have a better understanding why my mood has been so different. In retrospect, my mood had been different for some quite time now. I can tell based on behaviors and thoughts that I was having that it wasn't right with what I was thinking. I thought I could chalk it up to jet lag and over exhaustion from before the trip started to when we came back. It was not those things. It was bipolar rearing its ugly presence.. slowly but the beast was treading lightly but on his way over.

Yesterday, it really just hit me hard. After the doctors appointment with a new set of instructions, I felt absolutely defeated. I thought that I would be able to go about my life without this medication forever, now that I had balanced out. Unfortunately, thats not the way that the cookie crumbled and combine this with the stress of my mom having some kind of issue too. It just really fucking sucked so bad. I was ready to cry at the gym for my 35 minute walk. I felt and still kind of feel defeated. I even started to pick a fight with my parents neighbors and now my sisters neighbors. I made a mistake and parked in front of a driveway which had another way around. Was it my fault, should I have done what I did... no. The thought process which I thought was justifiable was that I did that and literally was only there for 2 mins. My sister was dealing with a dumpster transfer and was by herself. I wanted to help her monitor the situation but also make sure she wouldn't get taken advantage of by a stranger. I dont care if i watch too many movies, but shit like this happens and especially in higher end neighborhoods too. Her neighbor was yelling at me and I had apologized. I apologized three times. I thought that since he could get in the driveway another way, that I could explain to him the reason why I did that and apologize to him with the explanation. He chose to get angry and I am, at this time, ready for a bipolar smack down. I did not give a fuck about anything and even at the time I wish I had told him to call my father and complain but also to call the cops. That's the thing with me though. I can't be mean to others, especially when I am somewhat in the wrong but I was ready to go to jail. I didn't give a fuck. There really is some truth to why they say dont do road rage or just be kind to others because I, in that moment, did not give a fuck about my consequences. I didn't care about them when i made the decision to park there and I was ready to tell this guy to call the cops.

I just so badly wish this was different for me. I have not felt this low in a really long time. I have spent so much money on things that I really dont need or really even want. I am tired physically and mentally. I wish I didn't have to put this on my mom but she's really all I have in respect to understanding me wholeheartedly from my toes to my brain. We fight together but it drains us both. It hurts so bad to hear each other and knowing that theres nothing you can do in that moment except to make an appointment with the doctor, go to sleep and increase meds.

I am hoping with this increase that I will comeback down to my mellow yellow, sedated state. Even though feeling like a zombie can be rough, I would rather feel this way, rather then emotionally unstable looking to start fights.

xoxo